Finding your “home” in the people who truly know and love you is a profound gift—but keeping that home strong takes work. Every relationship, no matter how deep, will face tension, misunderstandings, and seasons of strain. The difference between relationships that last and those that fade isn't whether conflict happens—it's how we handle it when it does.
In Part Two, we'll explore what it takes to maintain and protect these relationships over time, the small habits that keep connection alive, and the art of repair—because the best homes aren't the ones that never face storms, but the ones built to withstand them.
How to Keep Your “Home” from Falling Apart
Once you find your people, the work isn't over. The truth is, relationships—friendships, partnerships, families—are like old houses. They need regular maintenance, or things start to fall apart.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, after decades of research on what makes relationships thrive, have identified three essential ingredients necessary to build and maintain healthy, lasting friendships—whether at home, at work, or in your community.
Relational Maps – Know Their World.
People feel most loved when they feel truly known—not in a I-stalked-your-Facebook-and-know-what-you-had-for-lunch way, but in a I-know-you're-struggling-so-here's-your-favorite-chocolate kind of way. Relationships aren't static. Our “relational maps” go out of date fast—like an old GPS that still thinks there's a road where a Starbucks now stands. If we don't keep updating them—asking questions, listening closely, paying attention—our sense of knowing (and being known) starts to fade. Because the truth is, we're all changing every single day.Fondness & Admiration – Spot What's Good.
We are so good at spotting and calling out what's wrong in the people around us. Most of us could win an award for how well we do this. But if you want your relationships to thrive, practice spotting and calling out what's right in the people around you. Say it out loud. Say it often. When we make a habit of spotting and expressing what we appreciate in others, it not only strengthens our relationships but also reminds us of the good that's already there.Turn Toward, Not Away.
People are constantly throwing out tiny “bids” for connection. Hey, look at that sunset. Want to grab coffee? I had the weirdest dream last night. You can either turn toward them—acknowledge, engage, respond—or turn away, keep scrolling, keep zoning out. The way you respond over time builds or breaks the relationship.
Relationships aren't built in grand gestures—they're built in the small, everyday moments when someone reaches out, and we choose to either lean in or look away. These moments are called “bids for connection”—simple, often subtle ways people invite us into their world. Hey, look at that sunset, or Want to grab coffee? These may seem insignificant, but the way we respond—over time—either strengthens or erodes trust and connection.
Turning toward means engaging—listening, making eye contact, showing interest. Turning away means ignoring, dismissing, or staying distracted. Do it enough, and people stop reaching out.
Strong relationships aren't about constant availability but about consistent presence. The more we turn toward it, the more we build a “home” where genuine love and trust can grow.
Then There Is the Art of Repair
Therapist Terry Real teaches that every healthy relationship moves through a natural cycle: harmony, disharmony, and repair. We all love harmony—it feels good, easy, effortless. And let's be honest, we're experts at creating disharmony. A sharp word, a forgotten promise, a misstep that lands wrong. That part? We've got down.
But repair—that's where most of us struggle.
Repair isn't about keeping score, winning arguments, or waiting until you feel like apologizing. It's about valuing the relationship over your own ego. It's about saying, I care about us more than I care about being right. And it's about making things right, not just smoothing things over.
Terry Real offers something he calls the Feedback Wheel as a tool for healthy repair—because a real apology isn't just “I'm sorry” thrown over the shoulder as we move on. It's a process, a practice of accountability. Here's how it works:
State what happened, factually. Not what you think they meant, not what you felt they did—just the neutral facts as a video might capture them. (“When you didn't respond to my text for hours…”)
Share how it made you feel. Not blame, not accusations—just your genuine emotional experience. (“…I felt ignored and unimportant.”)
Explain why it mattered. Get to the deeper meaning behind your feelings. (“It reminded me of times in the past when I've felt invisible, and that hurt.”)
Make a request for moving forward. Not a demand but a clear ask for a new way of relating. (“Next time, could you just let me know if you're busy? That would mean a lot to me.”)
And on the receiving end? Real listening. No defensiveness, no flipping the script. Just hearing the impact of our actions and responding with care.
Because every relationship—whether romantic, family, or friendship—will hit bumps. The ones that last aren't the ones without conflict. They're the ones where repair is a habit, not an afterthought.
What to Do When You Lose Your “Home”
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we lose the people who once felt like home.
Maybe someone left. Maybe you left. Maybe the loss was sudden—a death, a divorce, an unexpected goodbye. Or maybe it happened slowly, like a house falling apart board by board until one day, nothing was left but a pile of memories and splinters.
Loss like that takes your breath away. It makes the world feel quieter, and emptier. And it hurts. It really, really hurts.
So what do you do when the place that felt like “home” is gone?
Let yourself grieve. Don't skip this part. Loss needs space.
Be honest about what happened. Not all losses are unavoidable. Sometimes, we have to take responsibility for the ways we showed up—or failed to.
Start again. Slowly. Imperfectly. Say yes to small invitations. Make the effort, even when it feels awkward. Because belonging isn't found all at once. It's built in the quiet, consistent, everyday moments of showing up.
Three Action Steps to Strengthen Your Home
Update Your “Relational Map”
Pick one person who feels like home to you and check in—really check in. Ask a meaningful question, remember a detail they shared last time, or simply listen with full attention. Relationships grow when we keep learning about each other.Spot and Share the Good
Make it a habit to call out what's right in the people around you. This week, compliment a friend, partner, or coworker—not just on what they do, but on who they are. A single, genuine word of admiration can strengthen connection more than you realize.Practice the Art of Repair
If tension arises in a relationship this week, lean into repair instead of avoiding it. Use Terry Real's Feedback Wheel: state what happened, share how it made you feel, explain why it mattered, and offer a simple request for moving forward. Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free—they're repair-rich.
At the end of the day, “home” isn't a house. It isn't even a place. It's people. It's the ones who see you, even when you're at your most unlovable, and don't look away.
This week, take a step toward building that kind of home—right where you are. With love and the kind of belonging that's real, messy, and worth it.
Until next week,
Jonathan Penner | Founder & Exec Dir. of LifeApp
Resources To Dig Deeper
Book
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World
Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy highlights loneliness as a public health crisis, affecting mental health, work, and society. He offers four key strategies to foster connection: prioritizing relationships, deep listening, embracing solitude, and acts of service. Blending research with personal stories, Murthy provides a hopeful, practical guide to rebuilding community and strengthening social bonds.
-Vivek H Murthy, M.D.
Video
What Makes a Good Life?
What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? If you think it's fame and money, you're not alone – but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you're mistaken. As the director of 75-year-old study on adult development, Waldinger has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. In this talk, he shares three important lessons learned from the study as well as some practical, old-as-the-hills wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life.
-Robert Waldinger/ TED (12:46)
Music
Home
This song, written by Gabe, Josh, and Levi Penner, beautifully captures the truth that home isn’t a place, but the people who hold us through life’s storms. It speaks to the deep connection where we both lose and find ourselves in love, where scars become shared songs, and where belonging is about being truly seen. Even when we take the long way home or feel alone, home is found in the ones who make us new.
-Her Brothers (4:37)
Podcast
The Cure for Loneliness with U.S Surgeon General Vivek Murthy
Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions. Where do we go to feel like we belong? In an insightful conversation with Dr. Murthy, we delve into what it truly means to be healthy—not just physically, but emotionally and socially—and discuss why the pursuit of fame, wealth, and power often leads us further from what we really need.
-Simon Sinek (50:20
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