When asked his benchmark of success, Warren Buffett responded with, "Basically, when you get to my age, you'll really measure your success in life by how many of the people you want to have love you actually do love you. I know people who have a lot of money, and they get testimonial dinners and get hospital wings named after them. But the truth is that nobody in the world loves them. That's the ultimate test of how you have lived your life. The trouble with love is that you can't buy it. You can buy sex. You can buy testimonial dinners. But the only way to get love is to be lovable. It's irritating if you have a lot of money. You'd like to think you could write a check: I'll buy a million dollars' worth of love. But it doesn't work that way. The more you give love away, the more you get.”
The Science of What Makes Us Thrive
In 1938, Harvard researchers launched what would become one of the longest studies of adult life. For over 80 years, this team of researchers has focused on what makes us happy and healthy, collecting multiple generations of data on the mental, social, physical, and spiritual health and wellness of participants.
The conclusion after almost a century of study and $20,000,000? Nothing affects the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships.
Civil rights activist Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said “love is the supreme unifying principle of life… the most potent instrument available in mankind's quest for peace and security… the key that unlocks the door which leads to ultimate reality.”
What Are We Talking About When We Are Talking About Love?
As a society, we talk about love, sing about love, fixate on making love, gorge ourselves on the food we love, and endlessly consume things we love. But that's not what we're talking about when we talk about love. So what are we talking about when we talk about love?
We are not simply talking about an emotion, an attachment, a pursuit of self-gratification. We are not only referring to a fluffy, warm feeling. Instead, we're talking about an animating force, an underlying foundation of the universe, a way of being upon which everything else hangs. We are describing in one word, that which shows up in a long list of essential attributes for human flourishing—those things necessary for the ultimate sustainability of each one of us individually, all of us collectively, and all that exists within our planet globally.
Love is manifest in patience, kindness, gratitude, humility, respectfulness, selflessness, non-violent conflict, forgiveness, mercy, honesty, protection of the vulnerable, grace, trustworthiness, hope, joy, peace, compassion, gentleness, and self-control. It cannot be bought or sold, controlled or coerced, or formed and shaped into an object of any kind.
The Challenge We Face
The challenge, as is evident by the crime rates in our cities, the relational breakdowns we see, racial and economic disparity, poor health and high health care costs, global climate change, and even how we navigate pandemics, is that love, in its true sense, remains underdeveloped in most of us—an untapped resource for healing and progress.
You Are the Solution
So, how do we change? The solution lies within each one of us. Success lies in our individual willingness to increase our awareness of what love is, to grow in our relational intelligence, and to learn how to allow the spirit of love to flow in and through us—out into our everyday lives.
It is about increasing our willingness and capacity to become strong builders of community, beginning with the way we love ourselves and turning toward those around us at home, work, school, and beyond.
There is no critical success factor of greater importance to the sustainability and success of our world, nation, communities, homes, and selves, than our capacity and motivation to live love well in all of life.
A Call to Action
Each of us holds the power to live love well—to transform the communities we touch and slow the destructive trajectory of a world shaped by the unchallenged self-life. But nothing changes until I change.
We all face a choice: will we intentionally cultivate a way of living rooted in the art, science, and spirit of love, or will we allow ourselves to be lulled or seduced into an ego-centric way of life? In the end, nothing has a greater impact on the ultimate and sustainable success of our lives, our communities, and our planet than the quality and quantity of love we've lived.
As George E. Vaillant, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, wisely said, “There are two pillars of happiness. One is love; the other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.” This is our challenge—and our greatest opportunity.
Until next week,
Jonathan Penner | Founder & Exec Dir. of LifeApp
Resources To Dig Deeper
Book
Unlimited Love: Altruism, Compassion, and Service
In Unlimited Love, Post examines the question of what we mean by "unlimited love"; his focus is not on "falling" into love, which is "altogether natural, easy, and delusional." Rather, he focuses on the difficult learned ascent that "begins with insight into the need for tolerance of ubiquitous imperfection, and matures into unselfish concern, gratitude, and compassion."
-Stephen G. Post
Video
What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness
What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? If you think it's fame and money, you're not alone – but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you're mistaken. In this talk, he shares three important lessons learned from the study as well as some practical, old-as-the-hills wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life.
-Robert Waldinger | TED (12:46)
Music
Everyday Life
“What in the world are we going to do. Look at what everybody's going through. What kind of world do you want it to be?”
-Coldplay (4:20)