When I think back to the holiday season as a kid, it was pure magic. My mom didn’t just decorate—she transformed our home. Greenery on stair rails, little villages glowing on countertops, strings of lights curling around banisters and window frames. There were nights when the Christmas lights alone lit the room with a warmth and sparkle that made everything feel safe and alive.
And the baking… Butter tarts, cookies, shortbread stacked in tins. I can still remember sneaking into the pantry, opening the deep freeze, and stealing frozen butter tarts while pretending I had no idea where they went. Christmas morning meant stockings, presents, and that full-body thrill kids feel when they’re absolutely sure something wonderful is about to happen.
It was magical, truly. My parents poured love and joy into every detail, creating a home that felt safe, festive, and generous. But alongside their love-centric energy, I brought the developing heart of a kid who thought Christmas was built around my wants. I lived for “more”—more treats, more attention, more presents. And when the universe didn’t line up with my wish-list, I could turn even the most loving atmosphere into a war zone of disappointment and demands.
I still wince when I remember one of my more self-centred childhood moments. I must have been around ten. A family friend—recently pushed out of her home by an abusive husband and trying to piece her life back together—was staying with us over the holidays.
In the middle of her own pain, she somehow found the time, thought, and what little money she had to buy me a Revell Harley-Davidson model kit with flashing lights. Christmas morning, I opened it, sighed, and muttered, “I don’t like Harleys.” I had no idea what she was carrying, or what that gift had cost her. And while I don’t blame my ten-year-old self, looking back now, I can see so clearly how unaware I was of the impact our energy—self-centric or love-centric—can have on the people in the room.
Today, fifty years later, with my own kids and grandkids who will be coming together over this holiday season, I am reminded of the impact these two underlying energies bring, as they shape the social interactions of the holidays: a spirit of getting vs a spirit of giving.
And the difference between them is the difference between connection and chaos.
Where Holiday Chaos Comes From
There’s an old line of wisdom that asks, almost with a sigh, “Where do you think all the conflict, chaos, and quarreling come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come from the fire we choose to feed within us—wanting our own way, fighting for it, grasping, demanding. It’s all me, me, me.”
I know that truth far too well. It was alive in my ten-year-old self the morning I sighed at the Harley model kit, and it’s shown up at more holiday tables than I’d care to admit—those moments when one person sulks, another snaps, and everyone else walks on eggshells trying not to detonate the whole evening.
The older I get, the more I see how self-centric energy doesn’t need to be loud to wreck a room. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s polite. Sometimes it’s just the invisible hum of I hope someone notices me, or I hope no one disappoints me, or I hope this year finally feels the way I want it to.
But the effect is always the same: When everything revolves around my expectations, my comfort, my grudges, the room shrinks. Breath gets tight. Joy backs away like it knows better. A self-centric holiday is fragile—one wrong comment, one missed cue, and the whole thing goes sideways.
But the opposite is also true: A love-centric posture opens the room. It eases the air. It softens the edges. It heals—emotionally, relationally, even physiologically.
If we’re paying attention, every holiday gathering offers a small but significant fork in the road: Will I show up hoping others meet my needs, my preferences, my sensitivities—or will I orient myself toward love, choosing a posture that seeks the good of others in the room?
One path shrinks the moment.
The other expands it.
And it only takes one person.
The Science of How One Person Can Shift a Room
This week I listened to a holiday episode of The Science of Success—a compilation featuring Brené Brown, Dacher Keltner, John Wang, Oscar Trimboli, and others. Despite their different fields, they all pointed to the same conclusion:
One person’s way of being can shift the emotional climate of an entire room.
Not metaphorically.
Not idealistically.
Scientifically.
Here’s what the research says—and how you can use it to shift the emotional atmosphere of your holidays:
Take Off the Armor (Brené Brown)
Brown’s work shows that most of us enter challenging moments “armored”—bracing against disappointment, conflict, or emotional exposure. Armor can look like defensiveness, perfectionism, withdrawal, people-pleasing, or a need to be right. The problem? Once we’re armored, connection becomes nearly impossible because no one gets to see the real us. Armor is self-centering by design. But Brown reminds us: “There is no courage without vulnerability.”
Micro-Shift:
Before walking into a gathering, pause for 20 seconds. Ask yourself: What am I bracing for? What story am I already telling myself? Then choose a softer stance—less guarded, more curious. Assume goodwill in the people you’re about to see, even if their delivery is imperfect. It’s one of the fastest ways to enter a room, love-first instead of self-first.
Use Micro-Acts of Kindness (John Wang)
John Wang’s research shows that even tiny acts of kindness activate the vagus nerve—the body’s empathy and connection system. These moments release dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, creating warmth and calm in everyone present. Wang calls it the Helper’s High, and the effects ripple outward.
Micro-Shift:
Offer one micro-gesture every time you enter a space: a gentle greeting, a softer tone, a sincere compliment, a small offer of help. These seem small, but they are biologically powerful.
Lead With Compassion, Not Dominance (Dacher Keltner)
Keltner’s work overturns a cultural myth: the person with the most influence in a group is not the loudest or most forceful—it’s the most compassionate. He puts it simply: “We gain influence through empathy, generosity, and humility.” Love-centric presence calms nervous systems and elevates group energy.
Micro-Shift:
Make this your quiet mantra throughout the holidays: How can I make this moment easier for someone else? It’s a subtle shift that changes the emotional architecture of a room.
Listen Like It Matters (Oscar Trimboli)
Trimboli’s research is unequivocal: listening literally regulates the room. Deep attention lowers reactivity, softens tension, and increases empathy. It’s not passive—it’s an act of generosity.
Micro-Shift:
Give someone your full, unhurried attention. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Let them finish their story. Ask one meaningful follow-up question. Listening transforms holiday gatherings more than any perfectly planned menu ever could.
At The Heart of It All
None of these actions require perfection, forced cheer, or pretending family dynamics aren’t complicated. They simply ask us to choose a posture that is love-centric rather than self-centric—one micro-moment at a time.
And the science is clear: One generous person, grounded in love, really can shift the room. Not magically. But meaningfully.
And maybe that’s the quiet miracle of the season: we don’t have to fix our families or heal every wound or make the table sparkle with magazine-level perfection. We just have to notice the spirit we’re bringing in with us.
A little more patience here, a little more kindness there. One gentle breath before we speak. One soft place for someone to land. Love doesn’t need ideal conditions—it just needs someone willing to let it lead. And that someone, this year, could be you.
Until next week,
Jonathan Penner | Co-Founder & Executive Director of LifeApp
P.S. I Would Love Your Feedback!
Fifty-two weeks ago I wrote the first Live Love newsletter, it was part experiment, part passion. A way to explore what it actually looks like to live love well—not as a slogan, but as a daily practice—grounded in the art, science, and spirit of love. And to see whether these reflections, along with the scientific underpinnings, could offer real value to others who want the same.
I didn’t know where this would lead—I just knew it felt important to try. Now, a year later, I’d love your honest take. Your feedback guides the stories, the research, and the direction ahead.
Resources To Dig Deeper
Podcast
The Science of Success - 2019 Holiday Special
This is pure gold!!!! The 2019 Holiday Special from The Science of Success brings together thinkers like Brené Brown, Dacher Keltner, John Wang, and Dan Siegel to offer a surprisingly unified message: the emotional atmosphere of a holiday gathering can shift because of one grounded, generous, love-centred person. Through stories and science, they explore how vulnerability disarms conflict, how kindness regulates the nervous system, how compassion creates connection, and how deep listening can soften even tense dynamics. It’s essentially a masterclass in how the spirit we bring into a room—love or self-protection—shapes the season far more than circumstances do.
-Brené Brown, Dacher Keltner, John Wang, and Dan Siegel (1:01:25)
Book
All About Love
This book is a provocative, soul-level exploration of what happens when love isn’t treated as a warm feeling but as a verb—a daily practice of care, compassion, responsibility, and presence. In a culture that often confuses love with desire or performance, hooks argues that our deepest wounds—family conflict, social division, the ache of disconnection—come from living in a world that never taught us how to genuinely love. Her work reminds us that love is not sentimental; it’s ethical. It calls us to show up with attentiveness, honesty, and generosity. Within the context of this holiday season, hooks’ message lands with force: the quality of our gatherings, the tone of our homes, and the healing of our relationships depend less on perfect traditions and more on how courageously we choose to practice love as a way of being.
-Bell Hooks
Music
Grown-Up Christmas List
This is one of those rare holiday songs that reaches past nostalgia and sentiment and goes straight for the deeper ache we all carry. It begins with the innocence of childhood wishes but quickly shifts into the longing of an adult who has seen enough of life to know what truly matters. Instead of presents or possessions, the grown-up list asks for healing, justice, friendship, peace, and a world where love doesn’t run out. It’s a gentle reminder—set to David Foster’s unmistakable melody—that the real spirit of Christmas isn’t found in getting what we want, but in imagining a world shaped by generosity, compassion, and the kind of love that makes all of us more whole.
-Charice (3:39)