Have you ever noticed how the holiday season, often celebrated as a time of connection and joy, can also confront us with the sting of unrepaired relationships? Whether it's a family member, friend, or colleague, many of us carry unspoken hurts or divisions that feel magnified during this season of togetherness.
Arthur C. Brooks, in his book Love Your Enemies, reminds us that bridging these divides is not just an act of generosity; it's a profound gift to ourselves. He argues that true happiness comes not from avoiding conflict but from embracing and navigating it well. What better time to practice this than during the season of peace and goodwill?
The Power of the “Long Walk Around”
In golf, seasoned players know that sinking a tricky putt often requires more than just lining up the shot and swinging. They take the time to walk around the green, viewing the slope and break from every angle. This “long walk around” allows them to see subtle details they couldn't from a single perspective—details that can make all the difference.
The same holds true in repairing relationships. Taking the “long walk around” means intentionally stepping into someone else's shoes, seeking to understand their perspective rather than clinging to your own. It's not about surrendering your viewpoint but about gaining insight that might reveal a path forward. This act of intentional empathy can soften hardened hearts, including your own.
Why Reconciliation Matters
Relationships are the backbone of happiness and resilience. Numerous studies, including Brooks' insights and findings from John Gottman's work, underline the transformative power of repairing broken relationships. Yet, it's not easy. It requires humility, courage, and perhaps most importantly—curiosity.
Brooks challenges us to move beyond the tribalism of “us vs. them,” encouraging us to reject contempt and instead choose love. This doesn't mean pretending differences don't exist. It means seeing the humanity in those we disagree with, even if we never fully align with their views. Taking the “long walk around” helps make this possible—it shifts our focus from being right to being connected.
Four Keys to Rebuilding Bridges
Lead with Curiosity: Ask yourself: Why do they think this way? What experiences might have shaped their perspective? Approach conversations with genuine curiosity, seeking to learn rather than to persuade.
Practice Humility: As Brooks says, “Contempt is the greatest enemy of love.” Shift from a mindset of superiority to one of empathy. Find something—even something small—that you can respect or admire in the other person.
Turn Toward Instead of Away: In moments of tension, we instinctively turn away—avoiding eye contact, dodging hard conversations. Instead, choose to turn toward. A simple “How are you?” or “I've missed you” can open the door to connection.
Engage with Kindness, Not Criticism: When misunderstandings arise, resist the urge to correct harshly. Instead, approach disagreements as opportunities to explore shared ground. Kindness is more persuasive than criticism.
A Simple Holiday Practice
This Christmas season, consider these steps to repair a strained relationship:
Reflect: Think of one relationship that feels broken or distant.
Take the “Long Walk Around:” Try to see the situation from their perspective. What might they be feeling or experiencing?
Reach Out: Send a message or make a call with no agenda other than connection.
Express Gratitude: Share one thing you appreciate about them—no matter how small.
Invite Conversation: Say, “I miss having you in my life. Can we talk?”
The Gift of Reconnection
This holiday season, the greatest gift you might give—or receive—could be the healing of a fractured relationship. By taking the “long walk around” and embracing curiosity, humility, and kindness, you can rebuild bridges and bring peace into spaces that have felt broken.
Let this Christmas be a time of healing and connection, one relationship at a time.
Until next week,
Jonathan Penner | Founder & Exec Dir. of LifeApp
Resources To Dig Deeper
Book
Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt
In Love Your Enemies, Arthur C. Brooks shows that abuse and outrage are not the right formula for lasting success. Brooks blends cutting-edge behavioral research, ancient wisdom, and a decade of experience leading one of America’s top policy think tanks in a work that offers a better way to lead based on bridging divides and mending relationships.
-Arthur C. Brooks
Podcast
Holiday Helper: Embracing Disagreement With Love
In this episode, Tania and Arthur share down-to-earth advice about how to minimize conflict and maximize cooperation with parents, family, and friends.
-Tania Israel and Arthur Brooks, How Do We Fix It?