The Conversations You Avoid But Absolutely Need

You know what's fun? A surprise tax bill. Or stepping barefoot on a piece of Lego. Or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, getting unexpected feedback. That lovely moment when someone leans in with a kind-but-serious face and says, "Hey, can I give you some feedback?" And suddenly, you are bracing for impact like a crash test dummy, already rehearsing your rebuttals before they've even started talking.

But according to Sheila Heen—an expert on difficult conversations—learning to ask for, receive, and process feedback is one of the greatest skills you can develop. Not just so you don't break out in hives when your boss or partner points out your quirks, but because feedback is what helps us become our better selves.

If we can shift from seeing it as an indictment to seeing it as a tool, we unlock doors to deeper relationships, professional success, and—let's be real—less time spent muttering defensively in the shower.

Heen points out that when feedback comes our way, our default reaction is to scan for what's wrong with it. We become expert wrong-spotters. "They don't know the full story." "That's not what really happened." "Who made them the experts?" 

We become defense attorneys, armed with counterarguments, ignoring the truth buried in the critique. Because even when the feedback is 90% off-base, that last 10%? That might be the thing we need to hear.

At the same time, feedback isn't just something that happens in our relationships. Feedback is the relationship. The way we handle it, the way we engage with it, the way we either open ourselves up or shut ourselves down—this is what defines our connections—at work, in love, in friendship. 

If we avoid feedback, we aren't just dodging discomfort. We're essentially saying, "I'd rather be right than connected." Which, sure, sometimes feels easier. But it is also lonelier.

And sometimes, feedback comes in a form we least expect.

A few months ago, my son left a letter on my desk—four handwritten pages, front and back. It wasn't casual. It wasn't small talk. It was an invitation to wake up.

He told me, with so much love and so much care, that he was watching his friends lose their parents to preventable health issues. And he didn't want that for me. He wanted me around for his kids, for my grandkids, for all the life still ahead.

At first I felt a bit defensive. I felt like saying, I'm fine. I eat well. I move enough. But I knew—deep down—that he was holding up a mirror, showing me something I needed to see.

And the hardest part wasn't hearing it. The hardest part was deciding what to do with it.

So I started small: 20 minutes of heart-pumping movement, six days a week. Not perfect, not extreme, just consistent. And occasionally, I even feel great after I complete those 20 minutes. Because feedback only changes us if we let it. If we stop defending and start listening. If we take it as love instead of attack.

If you want to be your better self, but the idea of feedback still makes you want to run into the woods and live off the grid, try these tools:

1. Start With Curiosity, Not Defensiveness

When someone gives you feedback, resist the urge to build an airtight defense case. Instead, take a breath and ask, "Help me understand what you mean by that?” or “Can you give me an example?” or “What would doing that differently look like?” This shifts the conversation from defensive mode to learning mode and buys you time to process without spiraling.

2. Find Your Honest Mirror

We all have that friend who, no matter what, will say, “Oh my goodness, you're amazing, and they're all idiots.” That's your supportive mirror. Keep them around for the hard days. But also, find yourself an honest mirror—someone who loves you enough to tell you when you have spinach in your teeth or when your behavior might need a tune-up. Listen to them, even when it stings. (Warning: Honest mirrors may tell you things you don't like, but that's what makes them useful.)

3. Set the Stage Before the Fire Alarm Goes Off

Most of us wait until we're knee-deep in a crisis to ask for feedback, which is like waiting until your car breaks down to learn how to change a tire. Instead, make feedback a regular thing. Try asking, “What's one thing I could do better?” This is infinitely less terrifying than, “Tell me everything I'm doing wrong.” Plus, people are more likely to be honest when they know you actually want to hear it.

4. Accept That Some Conflicts Are Never Going Away

The Gottman Institute found that two-thirds of conflicts in long-term relationships are never actually resolved. TWO-THIRDS. The goal isn't to fix every disagreement—it's to learn how to manage them with some level of grace (or at least without throwing things). Strong relationships aren't conflict-free; they're built on the ability to fight fairly and recover well. Learning how to receive feedback well is a key ingredient in navigating conflict.

If you want to build real trust—with your team, your partner, your best friend—you have to be the kind of person who is willing to hear the truth. You have to show that feedback isn't an attack, it's an investment. And the only way to do that is to ask for it, sit with it, and let it shape you into a wiser, stronger, better version of yourself.

In the end, feedback isn't about being right or wrong. It's about growing. It's about showing up fully in our relationships, even when it's uncomfortable. It's about realizing that the people who challenge us the most might just be the ones who love us enough to tell us what we need to hear.

And that's something worth listening to.

Until next week,

Jonathan Penner | Founder & Exec Dir. of LifeApp

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