The other morning, I walked into the kitchen for a quick coffee before heading to my office. Teresa walked in, and I was instantly caught off guard—in the best way. Her beauty hit me like sunlight breaking through a cloud.
“WOW!!! You are looking soooooo good,” I told her, because it felt impossible not to.
You have to understand—lately Teresa has been wrestling with the realities of aging, the loss of muscle mass, and discouragement over the results of her workout routine. So this wasn’t just a passing compliment. It was a deliberate acknowledgment of what I genuinely saw in that moment: her beauty, her strength, and the visible fruit of her commitment. I wanted her to know I saw it—and that it mattered.
She gave me this cute little stage smile—the kind you’d offer to a photographer who tells you to “look natural”—and said, “That’s a nice thing to say.”
I knew right away she had heard me, but brushed it aside as “nice” rather than true.
Our son Levi, who was at the kitchen table, piped up. “Mom, do you realize you just rebuffed Dad’s compliment?”
She looked surprised. “Really? You think so?”
“Yes,” he said. “Dad just gave you genuine affirmation, and you brushed it off like it was fluff.”
Why We Push Compliments Away
For the record, there are many times Teresa fully receives my affirmation. But that morning, she pushed it away—and I got it.
(And yes—Teresa let me share this, because she knows the challenge isn’t just hers—it’s ours.)
For years, receiving affirmation was harder for me than giving it. When I was young, I longed for it. But the moment it came, I felt awkward, almost exposed. Over time, I learned to say “thank you” like a grown-up. But inside, my inner critic filed an appeal and overturned the verdict.
Psychologists refer to this as affirmation deflection—when positive feedback is offered, but the recipient minimizes or dismisses it. And while it might feel harmless—just skipping over a warm, fuzzy moment—it quietly costs more than we realize. Deflecting praise can chip away at connection, leaving the giver feeling dismissed and the receiver unreplenished.
Over time, it can reinforce an inner narrative of “I’m not enough” and make it harder for our self-image to catch up with how others see us. In other words, we’re not just brushing off words—we’re brushing off an opportunity to strengthen trust, belonging, and mutual goodwill.
The research points to a few common culprits:
Self-image gap — When the compliment doesn’t match the story you tell yourself, your brain rejects it.
Fear of arrogance — Accepting praise can feel like crossing into boastfulness.
Social debt — Compliments can create a subtle feeling that you now owe the other person something in return.
Cultural conditioning — In some cultures, modesty means rejecting praise. In others, fitting in matters more than standing out, so recognition is kept quiet.
Vulnerability — Being seen—really seen—can feel risky, especially if you fear the compliment might come with expectations you’ll have to live up to.
The Science Behind Letting It In
The irony is that affirmation is designed to bring us closer. Decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, on healthy relationships, show that appreciation is relational glue. It builds trust, goodwill, and resilience—whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a workplace.
But it only works if it’s both given and received.
Neuroscience explains why. Compliments activate the brain’s ventral striatum—our reward center—triggering a release of dopamine. This not only makes us feel good, but it also strengthens the neural pathways associated with confidence and motivation.
Social psychology adds another layer: receiving praise from someone you value can actually recalibrate your self-concept. Over time, it can narrow the gap between how you see yourself and how others experience you.
And in leadership research, accepting affirmation gracefully is a marker of executive presence. Leaders who receive praise with warmth and gratitude are perceived as more authentic, competent, and trustworthy.
Why This Matters
Affirmation is meant to be a two-way current. When we diminish or dismiss someone’s words of affirmation, we’re not just brushing off a compliment—we’re declining an opportunity for connection. We rob the giver of the joy of seeing their words land, and we rob ourselves of the chance to believe, even briefly, in the good they see.
Neuroscience shows that taking affirmation in boosts confidence, social psychology shows it can recalibrate our self-image, and leadership research shows it inspires trust.
Receiving well is both generous and courageous—the purest way to let love and truth flow both ways. Which is why it’s worth practicing—on purpose—until it becomes second nature.
Three Simple Practices to Strengthen Your “Affirmation Intake” Muscle
Pause and Say “Thank You”
Don’t explain, minimize, or joke. Just let it land. A sincere “Thank you” is enough.Marinate in the Compliments
Whether it’s a note on your phone or a physical folder, record affirmations you’ve received. On the days when your inner critic is loud, revisit them and let their truth soak in.Balance Credit Without Erasing Yourself
If the compliment is about a team effort, share the credit and own your role: “Thank you—I’m proud of what we accomplished together.”
The next time someone hands you an affirmation, remember: it’s more than words. It’s an invitation for connection—toward others, and within yourself. Let it hold your weight.
Until next week,
Jonathan Penner | Co-Founder & Executive Director of LifeApp
Resources To Dig Deeper
Book
Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen explore why even positive feedback—like compliments and praise—can be hard to receive. They explain that affirmation can trigger identity discomfort when it conflicts with our self-perception, leading us to downplay or dismiss it. Compliments can also raise trust questions about the giver’s motives, or create pressure to maintain expectations we fear we can’t meet. The authors offer practical tools for letting praise land without defensiveness or false modesty, encouraging readers to accept affirmations as data about how others experience them, rather than as absolute truths to prove or disprove.
-Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
Song
You’ve Got a Friend
In this live performance, Jacob Collier takes James Taylor’s timeless ode to steadfast friendship and turns it into a living, breathing experience of affirmation. While the lyrics promise unwavering presence—“You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I’ll come running”—Collier’s genius lies in how he delivers them. His arrangement and improvisation invite the audience into the song itself, creating a collective effervescence where everyone is both giving and receiving the affirmation in real time. It’s not just a performance; it’s a communal reminder that being valued and cared for is something we’re meant to actually take in, together.
-Jacob Collier (Live in Atlanta, March 8, 2019) (11:29)
Video
This Is Why Compliments Feel So Awkward
In this Brain Academy session, Gregory explains why so many people feel uncomfortable receiving compliments—and it’s not about modesty. Research from Cornell University shows that for those with low self-esteem, praise clashes with their self-image, creating cognitive dissonance that feels unsettling. This mismatch, coupled with a fear of not living up to future expectations, drives people to deflect or dismiss affirmation. Additional studies reveal that givers also underestimate how meaningful their compliments are. The fix? See discomfort as a cue to challenge harsh self-perceptions, separate praise from perfection, and simply say “thank you,” allowing your self-image to gradually align with how others see you.
-Gregory Caremans (3:43)