From Conflict to Connection: The Secret Ingredient of Relationship Repair

Ever find yourself pulling back from someone, wondering how you got there? Maybe a coworker criticized your work in front of the team, a friend's offhand comment stung more than expected, or you had a fight with your life partner.

Instead of spiraling into silence or snapping back, imagine this: what if conflict became a gateway to deeper understanding and connection? Let's talk about how to turn disharmony into repair—and why it's easier than you think

Last week, Teresa and I had the chance to navigate an uncomfortable feedback conversation with friends whose actions had left us feeling unsettled—pinched, puzzled, and hurt. We didn't believe they intended to cause harm, as we knew they were good, kind, caring people.

We wanted to give them grace (cut them slack), knowing that it's a common trait of humans to unintentionally step on the toes of others. But it was still one of those cringeworthy moments that begged for understanding. So instead of avoiding the uncomfortable conversation, we chose to lean into a repair process taught by Relational Life Therapist Terry Real.

What continually amazes us is how well this process works. Not only did it help us repair and clarify the misunderstanding, but it also deepened our trust and strengthened the relationship.

This experience reminded me of something many of us overlook: as a society enamoured with the harmony phase of relationships, we often avoid moments of disharmony. Yet it's precisely in those moments—and through the work of repair—that deeper connection and mutual understanding can flourish. As Terry Real puts it, “Healthy relationships are a continual cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”

Conflict in relationships often pulls us into an internal tug-of-war. On one side is our emotional brain—the "adaptive child" part of us that tends to see things in black and white, acts rigidly, harshly, or compulsively, and prioritizes winning over connection. On the other side is our wise brain—the "mature adult" operating from the prefrontal cortex, the part of us that values connection, empathy, and understanding.

This is where the Feedback Wheel shines. It's a powerful tool for navigating conflict, offering a structured way to express feelings without escalating tension. Drawing on insights from Terry Real and the Gottman Institute, it blends vulnerability with clear boundaries—helping us turn moments of discord into opportunities for growth and connection.

Here's how it works: the Feedback Wheel breaks down tough conversations into four clear steps. But, before you speak with the other, prepare yourself first.

Check your mindset. Are you genuinely looking to repair the relationship, or are you just itching to prove your point? If anger or hurt still floods your system, take a moment (or an hour) to calm down. Think of this as relational mindfulness: getting centered in your wise adult self before stepping into the ring.

Once you're ready, ask the other person for permission to share. A simple, “Is this a good time to talk?” can transform the dynamic. If they're not ready, negotiate a time that works for both of you.

Step One: Stick to the Facts.

Lead with what a camera could record. Avoid interpretations or assumptions. For example, instead of saying, “You're always dismissive of my ideas,” try, “In today's meeting, you interrupted me twice when I was presenting my proposal.” Neutral and specific.

Step Two: Share the Story You Made Up.


We're meaning-making machines, constantly crafting narratives about what others' actions mean. Own that these stories are your creation. Say, “What I told myself was that you don't think my ideas are valuable.” This allows you to share your experience in a way that can be heard while avoiding assumptions about the other person, which often puts them on the defensive.

Step Three: Name Your Feelings.


Here comes the vulnerable part. Skip the judgments and focus on the emotions. “I felt embarrassed and frustrated when I didn't get to finish my thoughts.” Emotions are bridges; they invite connection rather than defensiveness.

Step Four: Ask for What You Need.


Be specific about what would help repair the situation. “Next time, could you let me finish my points before jumping in? That would mean a lot to me.” Concrete requests make it easier for the other person to show up for you.

The Bonus Epilogue:


Once you've spoken your piece, let go of the outcome. Your job isn't to control their reaction but to maintain your own relational integrity. Whether the conversation goes smoothly or hits a snag, you've done your part—and that's worth celebrating.

Action Steps to Practice:

The Gottman Institute's research shows that how individuals handle conflict is a stronger predictor of relationship success than how often they argue. Meanwhile, Terry Real's work emphasizes the power of structured communication to bring people closer together. These methods aren't just good ideas; they're backed by decades of data and lived experience.

So, next time you're at odds with anyone—a colleague, a friend, or a family member—try the Feedback Wheel. Who knows? That moment of disharmony might just be the beginning of a deeper connection. The work is often uncomfortable, but the rewards can be profound. I can't recommend it enough.

Until next week,

Jonathan Penner | Founder & Exec Dir. of LifeApp

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